COURIER IN THE BIRD MASK

TRIGGER WARNINGS child death, suicide, abuse, plague, sickness, breakdowns, first person, spouse death, starvation

SUPPLEMENTAL:

Through the Sand Pest, there were a litany of letters which I did not document in my journal. You may find them here.

-

I am sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, B- I never… I never meant to hurt you like I did. Know that- know that I wasn’t made to love, I was never made to hold people close and let them into my heart. I’m a stupid stuttering asshole- I was never meant to have feelings. It complicates things, it makes me weak and stupid and it makes the things you say hurt. I try not to hurt, but drugs can only do so much to compare to you. I was never meant to treat you like this, treat you like my world. That’s why I could never truly love you like I wanted to. I’m a coward. I’m scared, I’m lost, I’m afraid- and I love you. My anger-... it… I’m speaking in circles here. I don’t know how to express this but do know that no matter how much I say otherwise, I truly loved you. But I’m an angry, useless, ugly asshole who never deserved someone like you. 

I’m not dying. You’re not dying, neither of us are sick (yet), and this entire experience… has completely changed how I see you. I love you, and I’m so sorry I never told you. 

You know where I am, and if we both survive, please let me talk to you again. Please let me try and convince you… that I am worth loving.

-G

-

What is wrong with you?! You break things off because you claim to love me- and you come back to me once we are in a life or death situation?! Do you understand how painful things were after you left? I was nothing without you… I thought I was nothing without you, and now that I’m finally put back together, you want to try again!? You… you were distant. You claimed to love me and yet you pushed me away and- I love you still. It’s easier to pretend I hate you, but it’s so blatantly obvious I still want to love you, want to hold you close at night like we used to, want to wake up in the morning with you by my side.

Maybe in another life… maybe in another time we could’ve worked out.

Did you ever get the therapy I recommended? If you even want a sliver of a chance with me again, you need to see someone. Please.

-B

-

B, I have. I have been seeing him.

But maybe you’re right.

Maybe in a little longer, when things are better.

I love you, I really do. Maybe in another lifetime we didn’t hurt each other so badly. Maybe in this lifetime, things can get better. 

-G

I will visit you after all this is over.

Maybe in this lifetime.

-B